Welcome to Myrtle Beach, the pride and joy of SC. McCown and I recently found ourselves in the, err…colorful ocean town and realized that many people from outside of the area might not understand just what “The Dirty Myrtle” is all about. The best analogy I can muster up for Myrtle Beach is this one: Charleston is to Myrtle Beach as filet mignon is to Vienna sausages. We’ve compiled a beginner’s guide to Myrtle Beach for your reading pleasure:

Step 1: Blending in

Luckily, you’ll find it quite cheap to assimilate to Myrtle Beach fashion. Others from Ohio or West Virginia might find it downright easy. Much of your wardrobe will overlap. If you planned on leaving your graphic tees, 3 Doors Down concert tees, or Cavaliers jerseys behind–don’t. You’ll be on be the fast track to the Myrtle Beach upper-echelon.

Kid Rock was made for Myrtle Beach

A seemingly obvious question for an outsider might be–where do I go to obtain such high fashions? The answer is: everywhere. You’ll find a Waves, Eagles or other brand store hustling cheap beachwear on nearly every corner, touting deals like “10 shirts for $10.”

Don’t forget, they’re advertising deals on clothes, but they’re selling you fresh threads that will earn you respect in the MB area

If the anticipation is killing you, I’ve snapped a few photos of the highest quality offerings

If that 5XL shirt doesn’t make you standout enough, how about we make it neon green? #seizure

Classy. Sensible. Not douchey at all…

Step 2: Hit the buffet

Once you’re looking the part, it’s time to really look the part, and the best way to start is by stuffing your gullet with as much food as your stomach will allow. Remember, if you don’t leave with the [tippy title=”meat sweats”]Urban Dictionary: “To consume an obscene amount of meat resulting in perfuse sweating.”[/tippy] you’ve done something wrong. Luckily you’ve planned ahead and are already rocking elastic waistband clothes, designed for your everyday occurrence of binge eating.

Now, Myrtle Beach is the self-proclaimed “Seafood Capital of the World,” and you’ll find an endless number of “Calabash style” seafood restaurants. Some will try and tell you that “Calabash” is a particular style of cooking, but all you need to know is that it’s synonymous to “deep fried”–a Myrtle Beach favorite.

I’d love to see what kind of review DHEC gave ole’ Cap’t Benjamin

200 items?! Challenge accepted.

Now, most people would either need to hit the insulin, but not you–you’re a seasoned buffet goer and ready for step 3.

Step 3: Cruise the strip

Now that you’re looking like high society in both physique and fashion, you’re well prepared to climb you way to the top. The key here: drive up and down “The Strip” in some poor excuse for a muscle car that your white trash ass can afford. The louder the better… the douchier you look driving it, the better. Remember, those ladies with lower back tattoos practically consider the purring of a 1993 Ford Mustang to be their mating call.

Obsolete everywhere else, time stands still in the Dirty Myrtle

No stranger to DUIs, at least half of residents rely on these guys to get from Point A to Point B